It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
