and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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