I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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