I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
