Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
