just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize