So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
