I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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