Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
