Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
