So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
