I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
