How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
