There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
