The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I cockslap morals
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
