i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
