I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
