I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
