We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
