marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
