I wish life had little blips of pornography
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
