my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
