Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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