when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
