sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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