he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize