i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
