he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
