well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
