guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
