he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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