I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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