Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
