Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
