So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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