Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Where is the hickey?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
