ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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