he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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