i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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