we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
