and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
