I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
