u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
