I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
