A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
