Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
