i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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