so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
