Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
