my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
