I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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