So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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