True but thats because hes a fetus.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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