Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
