dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
