dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
