a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize